Conflicted

I am totally stressed right now and going about 90 miles a second so I have decided to vent about one of the many, many things on my mind. Going back to school. It looks so simple in words and it was so damn easy to write you would think there would be no problem. Except there are at least a thousand that come to mind when I think about going back to school. Money, time, my family, getting a job afterward, the school’s location - to name a few. Believe me I have been through all the arguments about all of them. Money…what does it matter to add more debt onto what we have. Time…I would have to stop working because there is no way I can be a full time student, work, raise two girls, and be a wife (notice I am leaving out having a clean house because that is so very low on my to-do list. So sad!). My family…how much will I neglect my family to be able to study and attend classes never mind the other requirements that I would need to meet for the degree I want. Getting a job afterward…I want to do something that I like but I also want to be able to get a job after I am done with school. I cannot justify not working and spending money we don’t have to learn something I can’t put into practice later. The school’s location…this is the most confusing and stress-inducing one for me so I have to share a little background. Since I was about 18ish I have wanted to become a deaf interpreter. I am fascinated by the deaf community and have a true love for the language. Besides, I am Italian so I already talk with my hands. There is a college here that has a four-year program but since I dropped out of college forever and ever ago whatever credits I may have are probably obsolete. And honestly I cannot justify “dropping out” of my family’s financial well being for four years to get my degree. So I figured I could find something else that I wanted to do and while researching a few things I came across a school that offers a fully accredited two-year program in deaf interpreting…in Charlotte. Of course, Keith, being as wonderful as usual, is all about it because he fully supports my going back to school and comes up with a plan to get us out of here and to Charlotte which cannot happen for a while. Just as an aside, Charlotte is about an hour and a half from where we are now give or take. This all seems pretty straight forward and not a big deal. The biggest things we should need to deal with are selling the house, Keith finding a job, and finding a place to live we can afford in a good school district. Simple. Not so much. Like in all good reality there is a twist. Since I have moved down here (eight years ago) my sister has moved down here with her husband (six years ago) and my parents moved down here (two years ago), and Keith’s parents already live here. A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned to my sister about the school and she reacted like she was a little mad and said “well how do you expect me to feel when I moved here for you and now you are planning on moving away.” Now of course I did not think she would do cartwheels over me moving but for her to not be even the tiniest bit supportive surprised me. And in my defense, she has lived here for six years so it is not like she moved here yesterday and today I am telling her I am leaving. But now this has made my decision all the more harder. I also don’t want to move the girls away from their grandparents and aunt and uncle either. I want to say that I can find something else that I want to do to be able to stay here but honestly I have wanted to move to Charlotte even before I found the school there. And I also believe that if my sister had an opportunity to move someplace else to benefit her and her family than I would support her and not let my feelings of missing her get in the way. And I will miss her and it is a huge factor. Part of me wants to say come with us but I know that is unfair and unrealistic. Selfishly I want her to come, she is my best friend. But I know I can’t (and I don’t) expect her to follow me wherever I go. Besides an hour and a half is not that far. I guess I did expect her to support me a little more. I am sure eventually she will. It just makes all these decisions harder. Never mind my thinking that I am not smart enough to go back to school and have been very lucky to get the job I have now and maybe I should just stick with that and not set myself up to fail and screw up the good thing I have going. I think I am more confused. I need to write a pros/cons list.