C & S Mommy

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Eat the crap they shovel with a grin

So I have been back to work for two weeks now which is why I have been so slack about writing. I forgot how exhausting working with other people is. I don't remember it ever being this tough though. Maybe I am just out of practice. But for eight hours a day I have to be nice and at least slightly upbeat. If I am caught just sitting and being quiet (which apparently I have done often in the last five years of working from home though no one who knows me would believe it and I honestly didn't realize it) I have to answer the "are you okay" questions. When I worked before I had Cecilia I was always that person who tried to make everyone feel comfortable. I would eat lunch with the new person who was sitting by herself and try to find commonalities between people. Like a little social director, how annoying! But now I just want to go to work and come home. It has been really hard to leave in the mornings and during down times I find myself wishing I was home. The other night I almost woke Keith up to beg him to let me work from home again with promises that I would work specific hours and I wouldn't get crazy about how much work there was to do and I would take off every weekend and I wouldn't wake up at 4am anymore to work. But he has been so happy about this and I don't want to let him down. And I am not so sure I could keep those promises because the work is always here and I am compelled to get it done even though I know the hours I keep to do it are unhealthy. But I miss being home. I miss my babies. I miss not having to talk to people. I miss my alone time. I miss all the things I thought I wanted to have by working away from the house. Does that even make sense?

Thursday, September 08, 2005


I do not think there is a phrase I hate more than “just gonna.” Keith is famous for using this phrase except his meaning is so different from mine so it grates on my nerves every time it comes out of his mouth. Like when I have spent most of a Saturday morning in the office working and he has spent most of the same morning on the couch, I will start sorting through the never diminishing (despite our best efforts) pile of crap on the kitchen table and he will look up from the couch and say “I was just gonna do that.” Or when we talk about getting Sophia’s stuff together for our weekly trip to my parents or his parents for family dinner as I am getting in the shower and after I am showered and dressed and ask him if he is ready to go he says “I was just gonna get Sophia’s stuff ready.” See for me “just gonna” happens in a situation like when I have picked up the phone to call my sister and my finger is just about to press the on button to dial and it rings (practically causing me to fling the phone across the room in surprise) and when I hear my sister’s voice after saying hello I say “I was just gonna call you.”
So is this a guy thing? A procrastinator’s thing? I know that I am a little OCD when it comes to mentally planning my day and I get a little schizy when I feel like I am behind in some way but this is just strange to me. If getting skewed from my schedule gets me a little freaked out, Keith’s lack of planning (for everything) makes me downright twitchy. Then I start thinking about Cecilia and Sophia. I certainly don’t want them to be like me and get crazy if the things they have planned don’t go according to schedule but I am not so sure I want them to be as laid back as Keith. Having children is hard. It has made me so much more aware of my downfalls and so much more aware of the things that bug me about Keith’s habits (have I mentioned before that I am a horrible wife). More than the girls getting sick or hurt I worry about passing on my neuroses.
Okay that was a weird subject jump. Too much on my mind…

Thursday, September 01, 2005

What's with today today?

Having a blah day and it is only 6:30 in the morning. Not that I expect to cartwheel out of bed everyday but it is strange to me that a person can have a bad day before they have even have the opportunity for something to go wrong. I just woke up feeling this heavy, lonely, friendless kind of feeling. Maybe I should go back to bed and start over.